Sit Down, Shut Up: episode guide

Stuart's Story

Episode 1.01
Friday, February 16, 2001

Sue notices the pedestrian crossing outside the school is unattended — Rose, the school's 3rd lollipop lady, has died — so Sue gives the job of Lollipop Lady to Helen. Of course Helen doesn't want this job but soon realises the "power" that comes with it.
Sue drives into the teachers carpark intending to park in the spot reserved for the principal, only to find the new teacher Stuart has just parked his car there. Annoyed, she arranges to have his car removed by forklift and taken to the junkyard.
The school has arranged for a condom vending machine which Julia and Stefan are monitoring — but Sue has strict rules on using it — you must bring your parents, your partner, your partner's parents, permission note from both sets of parents and tell Stefan and Julia where it is that you are going to be having sex, before they will give out a condom.
Stuart is trying to start the Carpen Heights Social Club and thinks it would be a good way for Dean to attract Julia's attention, as Stuart and Dean have been playing songs together as the "Carpen Heights Social Club Rock Band", but Dean doesn't like the idea.
Stuart sees Brent's drama class acting out the emotion of "hate" and later acting out "tripping hard on drugs" and assumes they are just taking the piss out of Brent and admonishes them accordingly, in front of Brent, humiliating him.
Chaps is pleased with his new ride-on lawn mower, complete with sheepskin seat cover.
Felix plants a tree in remembrance of Rose the lollipop lady, which Chaps promptly flattens with his new lawn mower.
After Stuart tramples on Felix's opinions in the staff meeting, undermines Brent in front of his students, tells Helen she has a moustache, and ruins a chance Dean has with Julia, Sue pulls Stuart aside to tell him he's a wanker. Dean agrees with Sue.
Stefan takes his shirt off and talks about his wonderful pectorals at every opportunity he gets in Julia's presence.
At the end of the day, Stuart is in the teachers car park, looking around for his car….

Time Capsule

Episode 1.02
Friday, February 23, 2001

The school has a student teacher, Greg, who will be with Stefan's English class for 3 weeks. Greg had previously travelled with Julia doing missionary work for 2 years and he had once asked her to marry him; Stefan and Dean both tell Greg to stay away from Julia.
Stefan leaves Greg to teach his class, with no instructions, and also to do the interviews at the parent/teacher night instead of him.
Sue wants Helen to find a time capsule buried in the oval, as Helen was the student who buried it 25 years ago. Although the time capsule is not supposed to be opened until 2020, Sue wants it because it contains a bottle of 1975 spumanti which has been signed by former Prime Minister Gough Whitlam and she thinks it is worth over $40,000. Chaps and Helen both dig up the entire oval looking for the time capsule. They find a time capsule but it is one that Stuart and his Year 9 class buried yesterday.
Felix doesn't want to attend the parent/teacher interviews as he finds it awkward that his 2 kids William and Felicity, who attend the school, are thick and will get bad reports from their teachers who are his colleagues.
Stuart gives Dean some sunglasses to wear to try to impress Julia — but the sunglasses are really daggy.
At the parent/teacher interviews, the parents realise the teachers don't know who their students are and how disinterested they are in their students.

Special Guests: Bernard Curry as Greg Ilyich, Zoe Bertram as Mrs Dawson

Flick Wipe

Episode 1.03
Friday, March 02, 2001

Some students have caught Stuart looking at porn magazines in a newsagent; when they see him at school they spread the word and all the kids chant "porno! porno!" …which Stuart tries to turn into "no porn! no porn!"
Chaps is fixing the air conditioning system which has been emitting a "lethal odour", which is found to be coming from an animal carcass in the air vents. Helen had assumed the smell was just Chaps' BO.
The portable classroom has been moved to the other side of the school, exposing graffiti painted on a wall which says "Felix Sedgley is a flick wipe". Felix wants it removed immediately, but Sue says the National Trust thinks this graffiti could be of great historical significance and has been given strict instructions to not remove it, and they are intrigued by the term "flick wipe" and want to trace its origins. Felix finds out it was Helen who painted this graffiti 15 years ago, as Felix had rejected her advances ("flick wipe" meaning "gutless bastard").
The male staff toilets are being repaired so they have to use the boys' toilets. Dean doesn't want to use the boys' toilets as he is worried about the boys seeing that he has what he calls "child endowment", which of course the boys make fun of… however Stuart gets great respect as he has the exact opposite sizing to Dean.

Social Intercourse

Episode 1.04
Friday, March 09, 2001

Sue arranges a "Staff Compulsory Late Afternoon Of Social Intercourse". Dean is embarrassed that he doesn't have a date to bring, so Stefan brings along a prostitute to pretend to be Dean's girlfriend.
Julia wants to use the vegetables in Chaps' organic garden for the school canteen lunches. Chaps' gardening secret is pouring pure whiskey on the vegetables.
Felix is concerned at how little respect the students have for him. Dean suggests glaring at the students if they misbehave. When Felix puts Dean's advice into practice, one girl finds his glares "sexually intimidating" and has Felix arrested by the police.

Special Guests: Matthew Dyktynski as Duke

School Play

Episode 1.05
Friday, March 16, 2001

The school's drivers ed car has been stolen so Stefan takes the kids to learn to drive in Chaps' ride-on lawn mower.
Julia's ex-boyfriend Ken has been loitering around the school watching her, and Stefan and Felix try to get him to leave with no success.
The date of Brent's school play has been brought forward from ten months away, to tomorrow. This stresses him out and brings on a nervous breakdown so much that Felix finds him lying on the floor in the foetal position. Brent refuses to be part of the play, so Sue arranges for Stuart and Dean to take over and they completely re-write the play, while Brent helps Helen out as her assistant in the library.
Ken stops the play to attract Julia's attention and tries to take Felix hostage, but Brent distracts him by reciting the speech that Dean and Stuart had totally cut out of the play.

Special Guests: Wayne Hope

Where Are The Girls

Episode 1.06
Friday, March 23, 2001

Sue finds that half the female students have left the school to attend other schools and thinks this is because there are not enough good looking male teachers on staff. She threatens to fire Stefan if he doesn't start to try looking sexy.
Julia and Helen form a women's group, which Brent joins, where they all discuss the school's syllabus, as Julia thinks the subjects in the syllabus is the reason so many girls are leaving the school.
Felix, Stuart and Dean form a men's club, where they all punch Felix in the guts. Dean wants them to play gridiron; Stuart wants them to play tunnel ball.
Stefan gets his sexiness status back after being drenched in Chaps' BO.

School Camp

Episode 1.07
Friday, March 30, 2001

Stefan gets his English Literature class to watch Jurassic Park instead of studying Pride & Prejudice.
Dean and Brent are to lead the school camp. The only student going on the camp is Felix's son, William. When William goes missing at the camp, the search party arrives, which consists of only Chaps and a rope. Chaps also finds the girl that went missing on last year's school camp.
Julia gets Stuart and Stefan to speak to the students about the dangers of alcohol. Stefan gets them to watch Jurassic Park.

Felix's Story

Episode 1.08
Friday, April 06, 2001

Julia's forty-hour famine delivers a team of starved players for Dean's football final, and consequently, the team is too lethargic to play well. Felix's decision to commit suicide is ruled by a breach of contract by Sue who suggests he postpone it until the end of the semester. Stuart's new Latin motto for the school, "Accept Your Limits, Embrace Failure", manages to be more than appropriate for Dean's team of unco football players.

Fund Raising

Episode 1.09
Friday, April 13, 2001

Sue and Dean get Stuart to unknowingly take steroids to test whether they can improve the sporting performance of the students. The pills turn out to be Helen's female hormone replacement pills which causes Stuart to grow breasts.
The school fete is coming up. Sue hopes the school will raise $10,000 despite last year's fete raising only $45. Chaps is to make the fairy floss for the fete, but has lost the recipe.

Freedom Of Speech

Episode 1.10
Friday, April 13, 2001

Sue appoints Julia to be the editor of the school magazine. As none of the students contribute anything, Julia writes the entire magazine herself to prove the students are motivated and creative. The magazine contains a story on how to make bombs so Sue orders all the copies of the magazine to be destroyed.
Felix meets a girl in a chatroom but she turns out to be Chaps. Stefan gets Dean to start wearing cargo pants instead of always wearing sweats. Stefan says there's just something women find sexy about wearing six pockets on each leg.

First Aid

Episode 1.11
Thursday, June 14, 2001

In preparation for the swimming sports, Julia takes the staff through a crash course in First Aid and receives unwelcome assistance from Stuart.

Radio Station

Episode 1.12
Thursday, June 21, 2001

The school radio station is back and Stuart, Stefan and Felix compete for student ratings

Waiting For Kevin

Episode 1.13 (finale)
Thursday, June 28, 2001

Acting Principal Sue, in panic mode because Principal Kevin Wright has announced his return, mysteriously borrows The Poisoner's Handbook from the library.